i’m bad at goodbye

This afternoon was rough. My supervisor at work is leaving soon and I’m having a hard time with it. She means quite a lot to me and I am going to miss her so much. Also, change isn’t easy for me and I’m not thrilled about adjusting to a new supervisor. This afternoon was one of the last times I’ll see her before she leaves.

I was fine at first when she left but then I started panicking. I wanted to text her and demand to know when the last time I’ll see her will be. I thought about texting our project manager and asking when the last day is. I kept myself together through the rest of work but started crying on my drive home and cried off and on for several more hours.

I felt like I will die when she leaves–like there is no way I can continue to function. It reminds me of the feeling I used to get when I spent the night away from home as a child. I’d be okay at first, but then I’d be overcome with panic and think about how far my mom was, how I couldn’t get to her, how out of control I was, and how I was probably going to lose my mind.

So I ate a bunch of ice cream (partly because I have a toothache and partly because I’m an emotional eater), cried, and talked to my boyfriend and mom (not at the same time). I guess that wasn’t a bad way to handle it. I wanted to text my supervisor and tell her how much I was going to miss her, let her know how bad I felt, ask if she was going to miss me, and say/ask all kinds of things to let her know how much she means to me and try to figure out if I mean the same to her. But I stopped myself.

To me this situation is a pretty good example of what borderline personality disorder is like. A lot of people get upset when they have to say goodbye to someone they care about. Most people, though, don’t feel like they are going to die. They don’t experience the emotion so intensely that they feel like they are on fire and will do desperate things to put that fire out.

 

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