Whatever It Takes

I’m starting a partial hospitalization program tomorrow. I was in the same program a little over 6 months ago. It was helpful then and I’m sure it will be helpful again.

I will be there from 830 am to about 4 pm each day. I’ll be assigned to a social worker and see a psychiatrist. Most of the day will be spent in group therapy.

I think it will be great to go back there. But I feel like I don’t have the energy/motivation to drag myself out of bed in the morning and drive there. So weird how my thoughts and feelings don’t match. But that’s like 90% of my problem, right?

Last time I didn’t have a great attitude when I started. I was scared and miserable and my only experience with group therapy had been negative. My boyfriend and closest friend were both out of town so I was kind of without support. But after a few days, I was fully invested. I felt safe with the other people there and was ready to work hard on getting better. I was not ready to be done when I was discharged. It felt like I belonged there, like that was where I needed to be–in a place where the only focus was getting better for 7 straight hours.

I hope that this time will be even more effective since I will be going in with a more receptive attitude. I also have a therapist already so I’ll have follow-up appointments. Plus I think I definitely need a med change and I really liked the psychiatrist on staff last time I was there.

I know that my life over the past year, especially the past 6 months, has shown me that I have to make my mental health my top priority. That might mean scaling down to part-time at work after that partial hospitalization program. It might mean putting off applying to grad school. But I can’t keep going the way I have been lately. I can’t put a band-aid on my illness until I’m okay enough to go back to work only to fall apart again in a month or two.

I want to get better so badly. I’ll do whatever I have to.

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