I’m Still Here

I haven’t written in a couple weeks. I keep telling myself I need to. Sometimes when I’m driving to or from work or lying in bed at night waiting to fall asleep I have an idea for a post. But when I actually have time, I don’t feel like it.

I don’t feel like doing much lately besides reading, playing The Simpsons Tapped Out, and watching TV. Sometimes I like going outside to water our garden or take a couple of pictures. Other than that, everything seems too tiring and boring.

I’m not sure why. My mood has been decent. I don’t feel extremely low or suicidal or as if life is pointless. I’m not constantly angry or sad. I just have no drive and I’m only interested in things that require very little effort and are pleasurable activities (no chores or errands or things of that nature).

I’ve thought about reading some self-help books/blogs to get inspired. I used to find those encouraging. But I’ve been spending so much of my adult life thinking about all the things I need to get done, and I don’t want to be that way anymore. I think it makes me feel bad in the long run and it doesn’t actually help me be productive. And I actually find the whole live-life-to-the-fullest, maximize-every-moment mindset kind of obnoxious. Yesterday I was on Pinterest and I saw a pin for people who have trouble getting started in the morning. I took a look at it and it was all about how to maximize your productivity and not waste time. It recommended stuff like getting up at 6 no matter what time you have to be somewhere because that’s what the CEO of Disney does.

I was hoping for something that might help me do a little better than hitting snooze until 10 minutes before I need to leave the house, putting on the first clean thing I find, then stopping at a carry-out for a Diet Dr Pepper and a candy bar on the way to my first tutoring session while I’m still in a sleep-induced stupor. I don’t want to model my mornings after the CEO of Disney. Why would I? I don’t want that life. I’m not trying to get a bunch of shit done before I leave the house in the morning. I just want to get past the place where NOTHING seems better than 5 more minutes of sleep/avoiding reality.

I think stuff like that–telling people to do something because it’s what the CEO of Disney does–is rather harmful anyway. That’s probably part of why people feel inadequate all the time. Nothing we do is ever enough. 99% of people aren’t going to be CEOs. Why do people who have a hard time functioning in the morning need to try to operate like one right after they wake up?

Anyway, this post is kind of rambly. My main point is that I’m still here. I just don’t feel like doing anything. I decided today that I need to stop waiting for motivation and act. I’m not going to pressure myself to write blog posts regularly and organize my entire house and get back to knitting every other day, but I need to get caught up on laundry and eat decent food and not be a slug every minute I’m not at work. Tiny goals, right?

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