Lately I really don’t want to be the person that I am. There have always been (a lot) of things I dislike about myself. But these days I feel stuck as someone I don’t want to be even a little bit. I’m tired of myself.
I’m sure there are a lot of people who would tell me to change things if I’m unhappy with them, and I’m trying to change what I can. But mostly I feel stuck and like I’m not in control of my life.
I think a big part of that is the physical pain I’ve been in lately. I have chronic migraines and nearly constant sinusitis. As of right now I haven’t had a waking hour without a headache in 10 days. There’s not much I can do about it. I can avoid things that irritate my sinuses as much as possible (smoke, air fresheners, cleaning products, cut grass, perfume, to name a few) but I can’t control the ragweed or pollen or changes in barometric pressure. I take the meds I’ve been prescribed every day and use a neti pot, but that’s all I can do.
Chronic pain really adds to depression. It kills motivation (if depression even left you any), lowers mood even more, and makes the fight harder. Even if the pain isn’t extreme every day, it has a cumulative effect; being in pain every day or almost every day weighs a person down more and more as time goes by. And not being able to fix it adds to the feeling of not being in control.
I don’t really know how to explain how I feel without it sounding like I’m just making excuses. Maybe that’s all I’m doing. I just want to be someone different, someone better than I am who doesn’t have BPD and MDD. I want to be a person who accomplishes their goals and makes progress and isn’t a stupid piece of shit.