Stress Bomb

Today I found out that I have full-time hours and benefits at work until the end of October. After that, I can stay there on an as-needed basis (meaning I could get zero hours a week if they didn’t need me) or I can leave.

This wasn’t a blindside. I’ve been expecting something like this to happen; I just thought it would happen later–after Christmas at the earliest. It’s happening for multiple reasons, some of  which have to do with the fact that my job is research based and funded by a grant so it was never a permanent position. We currently have a low client load and are losing three kids in the next three months, so there aren’t as many hours of work as there have been in the past.

However, the reason this is happening to me and not other people is that I have missed a lot of work due to illness. I was out for about 5 weeks in April when I was in a partial hospitalization program at a psychiatric hospital. My time out was covered by FMLA, but while I was out someone had to be hired to take my place. When I came back to work I was moved around. Since coming back I have still missed too much work mostly because of chronic migraines but sometimes because of mental health issues.

The project managers have been extremely patient and understanding. They have done all they can to work with me and find ways to accommodate my challenges. But the things I mentioned above make it impossible for them to keep me full-time forever. Plus it’s hard to justify keeping someone who misses too much work as a full-time employee with benefits.

Even though I’ve had some warning about this, things have been very uncertain and I was hoping it would be a few more months before this happened. I wanted to spend the rest of the year saving as much money as possible and using my insurance as much as possible. I am fairly anxious about  what is going to happen in six weeks. Maybe they’ll need me enough for me to make the money I need to support myself, but maybe they won’t. I might have to find a new job. Searching for a job is soul crushing to me. Last time I was looking for a job I spent hours every single day looking online for jobs, filling out applications and sending my resume places. I got 2 interviews over the course of almost 2 years, including the place I work now. I am absolutely not looking forward to being back in that place.

The most frustrating part of all of this is that it is mainly happening because of my stupid illnesses. I’m not necessarily being punished for being in the hospital several months ago, but they had to make adjustments for my absence. They are not blaming me for being sick, but this is the way things are playing out. Once again, BPD, depression, and migraines are screwing up part of my life. I hate it.


One thought on “Stress Bomb

  1. The work-benefits-healthcare support systems suck everywhere. Nothing is focused on the well-being of the person. It’s challenging enough having mental health issues and ontop of it we are ‘punished’ or ‘penalised’ by an uncaring system. Illnesses suck. Capitalism super-sucks!
    I really hope things work out for you in the best way possible. 💐😊

    Liked by 1 person

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