So for three days after my stress bomb I was okay. I was really productive and just….fast. I’m not sure how to explain it. Not anxious, but not happy either. Kind of like I’d taken a huge dose of Vyvanse or Adderall or something of that nature. I was getting stuff done and focused but it was like I was fueled by adrenaline or something.
Then today I fell apart. I’d hoped the crash would happen later (or not at all) but meh. Work was good (sessions with the kids are often a sort of sanctuary from my emotions) but the rest of the day was full of bpd nonsense.
I was extra tired (which makes symptoms worse) from not sleeping well the past several nights and from sinus problems. Also I need to get off methylphenidate (Concerta) because it’s $75/month and I’m about to lose my income, so I have only been taking it every other day the past 5 days. I know it’s not a great idea to mess with my meds without talking to a doctor but I don’t know when I’m going to get my med maintenance appointment and I would rather wean off slowly than suddenly get cut off if I can’t afford it next month.
It’s pretty widely known that Marsha Linehan has said people with BPD are similar to third-degree burn victims; we have no emotional skin. That’s what it was like for me today. Everything hurt my feelings. Even if I tried to use emotion regulation, tried to correct my cognitive distortions, stuff HURT. I wasn’t expecting to see my boyfriend at lunch and when he came home I felt a burst of anxiety, irritation, and bewilderment. Not because I didn’t want to see him, but because things were not happening the way I had thought they were going to happen.
I became consumed with fear of the future. First of all, having to find a new job is terrifying. Not having reliable income is so fucking stressful. My unemployed times have been the worst periods of my adult life. Also, I’ve been at this job for three and a half years. It’s something I’ve been able to count on. I don’t spend time with many people (by choice) and I’m not comfortable with many people. But I’ve gotten comfortable with my coworkers and supervisors. I really like them. They won’t be a part of my life after this job ends; I’ll be losing people that mean something to me. Not doing the job will be a big loss too. It’s something that I’m very good at and I love so much. It’s fulfilling and brings me a lot of happiness. It’s a large part of my identity. I can’t picture what my life will be like and who I will be without this job.
Then I started thinking that this is happening because they don’t want me around anymore. They are tired of dealing with me and my illness. I am not worth anything to them at this point. It feels like this has been repeated for my entire adult life. Other people care to a certain point, and then they get to walk away. But I have to keep being me. I thought about how everyone leaves eventually because I’m sick. I’m bad and I make things bad. BPD, MDD, and migraines are the reason I’m 31 and not married, don’t have kids, don’t have my Master’s, have nothing in savings, am overweight, etc.
I cried and paced around my living room, fighting the urge to cut myself. I tried telling myself things that were the opposite of what I was feeling, but I didn’t believe any of it and it just made me more agitated. I attempted to do a crossword puzzle for distraction but threw it across the room when one of the clues was poorly worded. I ended up holding one of my cats and sobbing for a while. Then I covered my ears and hummed for a while (I don’t know why that’s soothing). It was one of those times that emotions are excruciating and I can’t do anything but try to hold still and wait them out without being self-destructive.
Fortunately the episode passed before I had to leave for my next session. I was still not in a good place, but working definitely helped. Unfortunately, I sank again once work was done and I was headed home. Every little thing hurt my feelings and immediately led to self-loathing.
I hope that this passes soon. I hope that the thoughts I’ve been having today are easier to fight tomorrow and that I can regulate my emotions better. I’m going to relax for the rest of the night and go to bed a little early. Screw these overwhelming feelings.