Ugh, tonight is a rough night. I didn’t sleep last night; my body aches were too intense. This morning after being awake 20 hours I dropped my husband off at work and then babysat for 10 hours.
I’m annoyed because my online banking is screwed up and a separate technical difficulty is preventing my phone bill payment from going through. We also have an important errand that needs to be run during business hours tomorrow. But we only have one vehicle and tomorrow I will have it but I’ll be babysitting and won’t be able to run the errand.
And honestly I’m just so done trying to keep friendships going with people who make me feel like an annoyance. I know people are busy and that’s not a problem. I don’t expect constant interaction. But in some cases I am the one who initiates conversation 100% of the time and in another case I message first most of the time. People say I’m not bothering them but their responses send a different message. I understand if someone can’t respond to me for several hours. I know people are living their lives. But if a person takes hours to answer and then their reply is halfhearted and I’m the one driving the conversation, it makes me feel like a pest. I can tell when a person is not engaged in a conversation with me and it makes me feel like a dumbass to continue.
It sucks because these people know a decent amount of what’s going on in my life–mystery illness, off my psych meds, really struggling financially, feeling like my life is on pause since I got sick. But they don’t appear to give a shit. They don’t ask how I’m feeling (physically or emotionally) or let me know they are thinking of me. I guess since I’ve been sick for 8 months it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s even more obnoxious that if I had to be hospitalized for being suicidal or if my physical health deteriorated to a drastic point these people would be upset and act like they cared, like “Oh my gosh, I had no idea you were feeling so bad.” Well, yeah, you’re not going to have any idea if you aren’t involved.
I love the people I love so hard. It’s difficult for me to do feelings half way. So I think about these people and I miss them, I think of what I could do or say to make their lives better. Multiple times a day I wish I could fix their problems or at least be a source of support. It’s lame to feel that strongly and not get it back.
People have the right to not care about me and my life. It’s okay for people to be too busy or self-absorbed to pay attention to my crap. Even if they aren’t busy or particularly self-absorbed, they aren’t required to care. I acknowledge that. I’m just saying I can’t keep caring so hard about them if that’s how it’s going to be. It hurts too much.